I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
