I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize