I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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