i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
