so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
