Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
