Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
