Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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