My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
