i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
