I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
