Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize