I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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