got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
