Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
