I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
