I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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