1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Randomize
