my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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