Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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