please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
