i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am mentally ready for anal.
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