Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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