i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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