Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
