Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
