all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Oh god it's open bar.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
