If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
