Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
