I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
