dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
