yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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