theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
