why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
