exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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