too bad you live with your parents still
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
