She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
