I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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