The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
