my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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