Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
