Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
