I can tuck mytits in my pants
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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