just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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