Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
its not stalking. its research.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
