Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
