he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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