Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
