DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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