i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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