Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
