Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
