Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
