There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
