I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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