It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
