Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
