hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
