he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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