I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
