You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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