I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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