so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
