i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
